PHRASES YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK (or even in the classroom)

1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited again.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll be it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliat yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. . .
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satn, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
? 23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable....Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

The Birds and the Bees
Father asked his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Johnny sobbed, "At age six, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven, I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then, at age eight you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Technology Definitions For Country Folks:
LOG ON: how you make a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: don"t add no more wood.
MONITOR: keep an eye on that wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: getting firewood off the truck.
MEGA HERTZ: what happens when you're not careful getting the firewood.
FLOPPY DISK: what you get from trying to carry too much firewood.
RAM: that thing that splits the firewood.
WINDOWS: what to shut in the winter time.
SCREEN: what to shut when it's black fly season.
BYTE: what them flies do.
CHIP: fried tater snack.
MICROCHIP: what's in the bottom of the snack bag.
MODEM: what you did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: old Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: where the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: where you hang the keys.
SOFTWARE: them plastic forks and knives.
MOUSE: what eats the grain in the barn.
MOUSE PAD: hippie talk for a rat hole.
MAIN FRAME: holds the barn roof.
PORT: fancy flatland wine.
ENTER:?????

The Owner of the Pants
A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burley bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Put these on."

She put them on. but the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family."

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them as far as his knee cap. He said, "Hell I can't get into your panties!" She said,"That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!"

5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy."

8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

13. Put M&M's on layaway.

14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."

25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me !! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and start screaming.

Element Name: WOMAN
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Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
================
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell