You've come here. Perhaps curious as to who I am. What's happened to me in my life. Well, I shall try my best to tell you. However, you have stepped into my world. Therefore, it will be focused on me, myself, and I (to be cliche...). My life. My views. This is my journal...
Now, I must warn you. Most of these pages were created in 1998. During that time I was battling manic depression and going through a very rough break-up of a four and a half years relationship. A lot of what you'll read is depressing, wallowing in self pity, and dark. Please do not judge me based on what you read. If you must, then...there is nothing I can do to stop you. As repeated below, the pages were/are created to help release emotions and creativity. They are also created to give others an insight to who I am or can be. I will be as honest and open in the following pages as I can. I only hope that some sort of understanding in the nature of one human being is revealed.
Also, to be blunt:I do not want anyone getting a hold of me to tell me to chin up and that the world isn't all that bad. Nor do I want any advice or insight of life. No philosophy. Nothing. These pages are to be read, and interpreted how you want to. I just don't want to hear how you've interpreted my life...how you've interpreted what you've read. It's hard to decipher my tone in a lot of these pages. They are written words, and at times, written word is hard to get any tone from it. I don't want advice or help. If I wanted advice or help, I'd ask for it. You are not me. You don't know me; although, you may think you know me from what you read on the following pages. Doesn't matter to me...Anyway...if I haven't already pissed you off or scared you, please...read on...
Maybe it's just me, but I get so frustrated when people ask me to describe myself. I can never find the right words to do that. Furthermore, I've gone through life being someone other people think I should be. Like being in a play. Filling the roles assigned to me.
Well, I'm going to cheat. I have an interest in astrology and the zodiacs. My zodiac sign is Leo. Well, in the summer of 1997, I found a card describing Leos. For those who have read or heard this card, they've all agreed I fit it perfectly. So...I hope this gives you a bit of insight as to who I am...and I hope it doesn't scare you.
Personality: Leos are nature's aristocrats, or at least they think so. And if you want to stay on their good side, don't tell them otherwise! It's true they do possess an authentic natural dignity. It's not that Leos believe they belong smack in center stage, it just happens to be where they most often find themselves. It's not even that they strive to be nature's aristocrats, but since they've been called royal so many times, they might as well listen. This is Leo's sweetness, for as strong and noble as they are, there is a part of them that is naive and unaware of the stir that they cause. Leos delight in their own identity. Though it might seem like vanity or arrogance, their need to put their personalities across and shine in a crowd is really just playfulness. More power to them for not being fearful and ashamed. As big as the draws of being a self-loving Leo are, so are the drawbacks. With their inflated pride and enormous dignity, they often don't see that the joke's on them. Their larger than life aspects are all too easy to tease and make fun of. If they do, by chance look down and catch what is going on, their hurt is as mighty as their hauteur. As the old saying goes, the harder they come, the harder they fall, making Leos an unfortunate candidate for grand tragedy. It is a blessing they tend to be lucky, for there are no better friends, companions and natural leaders.
There's a lot more on the card, but who wants to read about my love, career, and health aspects. If you realy want to, I could put those in at a later time. What do you think so far? Are you willing to continue?
Well, I can't really say what the purpose of this and the following pages is. Perhaps there are many. As I keep working on them, I find that I'm able to calm down. I work on the pages mostly when I'm less than happy. It's not to say that everytime I work on them, I get happy. I just...relax more. I find it better than writing in a journal notebook. I have tried doing that so many times. I am not looking for pity, sympathy, or any of that. I'm not doing this to wallow in self pity. I'm doing this to help me deal with what comes to me. I don't know who will stumble on this, or hear of this, and read this. Should I care? I'm not real sure. What I write in the following pages are things of how I feel, view, and well...it's as true as I can get as far as I know. I'm going to be mentioning names...real names of people in my life: real and on-line. What happens in these pages is real life...MY life...I'm not going to erase anything. I will write what I feel. There will be hate and anger here, as well as happpiness and sappiness. For those of you who are reading this, and your name is in here, and should I hurt or offend you, I don't know if I should apologize in advance. Perhaps to most of you I will, but to others...understand why I won't. Write me, call me, get a hold of me somehow and tell me what I did. Then, we can discuss it and perhaps find a solution. I won't apologize if that anything you read offends you. That's me. If you don't like me, I can respect that.
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