How do you...

Insensitive
~Jann Arden

How do you cool your lips
after a summer's kiss
how do you rid the sweat
after the body bliss
how do you turn your eyes
from the romantic glare
how do you block the sound
of a voice you'd know everywhere

oh I really should have known
by the time you drove me home
by the vagueness in your eyes
your casual good-byes
by the chill in your embrace
the expression on your face
that told me
maybe you might have some advice to give
on how to be
insensitive

How do you numb your skin
after the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
after the body rush
how do you free your soul
after you've found a friend
how do you teach your heart
it's a crime to fall in love again

oh you probably won't remember me
it's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue. I'm out of touch
I fell too fast I feel too much
I thought that you might have
some advice to give on how to be insensitive

"How do you teach your heart it's a crime to fall in love again..."

What a wonderful...and such a true line. No matter how much you've been hurt, and no matter how much you tell yourself you are NEVER going to fall in love again...or you won't fall in love again for a long time...it happens. Sometimes, when you're least expecting it.

I was introduced to Jann Arden by Josh. I won't tell you about Josh for several reasons. Yet, all you will know about him is that he introduced me to Jann Arden.

For those of you who have gone through each and every one of the pages within the Simply Trish series, you know about my "luck" with the opposite sex when it concerns romance. I suck at it...or rather...it isn't compatible with me. Pick which ever you want to best fit me.

Over this past summer...Summer of '98...I had gained a great amount of self-esteem, self confidence, self worth...I was returning to the girl I once was before Ted and then some. I actually liked myself and what was coming otu of my life at the time. I was away from romantic pressures in a great sense. I was on my own, receiving no great pressure from family and friends. I was actually enjoying school. I was pumped for the fall semester.

During the summer, I knew I was not going to be ready for any sort of serious committment on any level. I was enjoying being single and being my own person. I also knew that I was scared that if I did get into a relationship, I would regress back to the scared girl who was under the control of "him". I didn't want that. My views on life and other things had also changed. I was more laid back, and I accepted things as they came to me. I promised myself that when the fall semester started I would not go out looking for a guy...would not encourage anything that looked like it would have the possibility of becoming a relationship.

For those of you who do know me...and for those of you who might have an idea...the last statement might be a bit humorous. I know I'm a flirtacious person, but there is a difference in flirting and encouraging any romatic intentions. I'm a huge flirt, and I am aware of what's going on around me when I do flirt.

So...what am I getting at?

Some ask themselves how will they know if they like someone...or how will they know if they're in love. The answers they get from others? One just knows. One doesn't have to wonder. It's a feeling you get, and well, there's just no doubt.

I sometimes laugh when those come into conversations. I do this because I look back on my life and what's happened to me. My emotions have caused me practically nothing but trouble. Some might argue that having a "gut feeling/reaction" is different from what your emotions tell you. I don't know how to explain it...it just is.

I'm tired of the whole...relationship game. My minds been messed up too many times because of it. Yet...though I'm tired, it's still a part of me, and a part of me wants it badly.
I want to feel his strong arms around me while we sit and watch television or just listen to music. I want to feel his arms around me while I fall asleep and when I wake up. I want to feel that security. I want to be loved and felt for. Does any of that make sense?

I laugh at myself because I want all of the above...but...there's that thing inside me that enjoys this freedom of being single...of not having to worry about my flirting...

I had a point to all that rambling, but now I can't remember it. Love...relationships...the opposite sex...what it's all equal to? Confusion

I fell again. My heart fell again...after I had told myself I wasn't going to. Go figure, huh? Things have happened. Things have been cleared...but dammit, my heart still wants to fall.