Let's see. How do I want to approach this? Not real sure. So I'll just babble it out.

Growing up, I hung out with those older than me and with the boys (guys). That's how it always was. I flirted of course. You know, in grade school, the whole hitting and cooties thing. Well, I wasn't really into the cooties thing, but...I did get into a lot of rough housing.

I guess I didn't really start getting boy crazy until middle school (sixth grade.) Now, I was never popular with my peers. I was the typical...nerd, I guess you could say. I didn't have the designer label clothing, no cool hair style. I wore glasses, not cool glasses of course. I was a 4.0 student. Not exactly a popular thing. Unless you count people asking you what the answer is all the time. Anyway, I just wasn't popular material. Therefore, meaning I could only DREAM about getting a boyfriend...a cute boyfriend even.

Well, also being "one of the guys" didn't help either. "I don't want to ruin our friendship." The typical answer. And looking back, I'm glad they said that, even though I don't talk to practically any of my old crushes anymore.

I had one serious crush in middle school my eighth grade year. That was a disaster. Have you ever noticed that those who are unpopular always fall for the popular? That's what it always happened with me.

Like any other girl feeing rejected, I swore I would never have a crush again. Then, I got into high school. More disappointments of course. Until about my Sophopmore year, and that is something that will be discussed later on as part of this section.

This is how I've always viewed myself: the unpopular nerd girl who always wished she could be that beautiful popular girl who can have any guy she wants. In fact, I still sort of view myself that way at times. Of course, my friends tell me that's not true at all. At times, I believe them.

Well, I guess I will tell you about my first serious realtionship. Only recently did I realize...it wasn't the right kind of relationship to have. I lost myself. And now, I'm trying to find myself.

I don't know where to start. I could start at the beginning and bore you to death with it. Or I can start from where I am now and work my way back. Or I could just babble it out. I'll just "feel" my way through it.

Sometime in early 1998,I realized I had been in a violent relationship. (What a way to start this out, huh?) By violent, I don't mean beatings. No physical violence. No. It was more emotional and psychological/mental (same thing). Now, that didn't bother me. What bothered me was that it took me two years to realize that. Is that strange? Some people might find it strange. I don't know.

Ted and I started "officially" seeing each other September 15, 1993. It had to be 1993. That is when he was a junior, and I was a sophomore. Yes, it was in 1993. You know...I think we've been putting the wrong year. Interesting. Anyway, we had gone through some weeks sort of...I don't know...I don't know what to call it. I was scared for several reasons. He obviously liked me. That was new to me. Someone showing interest in me. Actually showing that he liked me.

Ted never asked me out. We just basically agreed on it. I guess, thinking back on it, I was the one who actually asked, but that isn't important.

I was 15. According to Mom and Dad, I was not to have a boyfriend until 16. Therefore, Mom and Dad could not find out Ted and I were dating. Basically the first month, Ted and I got to know each other. Going out with his best friend Josh mostly.

It progressed. I was really liking this guy. Of course, I changed him. I laid down the rules so to speak," I don't like drinking, smoking, chewing, or the drug scene." Of course, that was my upbringing. Furthermore, because of that, I wouldn't go have fun until homework was done. How strict, huh? I helped him with his homework. His grades improved. He didn't seem to mind it much.

Of course, like most (perhaps?) relationships, he didn't hang out with his friends as much as he used to. He was at my house all the time. His father didn't like it. There was tension between his father and I. It could have been a lot of reasons, of which I won't go into. My family loved Ted to death.

I'm skipping a lot of things here.

My junior year was hell. My mother had threatened to leave the family, and Ted and I were having bad times in our relationship. He was having feelings toward my best friend at the time, Bonnie. Oh, God,that was utter hell. Looking back on it, I should have broken it then, but I couldn't. I was in love with him. People say I was crazy, but I did love him.

He graduated and went off to college 400 miles from Great Falls. Before he left, we bought promise rings. We really thought we were for each other. Yet, that year was a rough one, too. So many opportunities that I should have taken, but I didn't. I loved him, and the fear of being alone was too much for me to handle. He changed, like most people starting college do. He started drinking again. That is a story too painful to relate. I cry everytime I tell it.

Anyway, when I graduated, we both ended up going to Montana State. We were inseparable. It was like him being away for a year proved we could be together and get through the toughest of things, but I don't know. We lived on the same floor. I lived in his room more than I did mine.

Summer of 1997 came. A lot of things were happening to me and him. Not just in our relationship, but to each individually. I became more obsessed with the internet during the day, when I wasn't at work. We rarely saw each other due to his tiring job and my job. Then, in August, I realized I hadn't been happy for nearly two years. I told my mother my decision to break-up with Ted. She was shocked. I was too, but...I don't know.

So, I told him. Sort of ironic. We were watching the FRIENDS episode where Rachel and Ross decided to break-up as well. I cried. Told Ted everything that was on my mind. He cried, too. Then, he said he would change. That all he wanted was me in his life. I couldn't take it. I told him fine, but if any doubts came into my mind, that was it. I still wanted to be his friend and whatnot. Told him I would always love and care for him. So, we stayed together.

The second year of college...the first semester...It was rough. Things went back into the same routine. I fell into some serious depression. I started talking to Nick on the phone more, and with his help I admitted that I was seriously depressed and decided to go into some counselling. I told Ted. He thought he was the reason for it. At the time, I said no. Looking back...it wasn't him...it was our relationship that was a part of my depression.

Then, Winter Break came. I didn't spend Christmas with Ted. We were in Arkansas with Dad's family. Things were rough...shakey. I was having serious doubts.

When I got back and he got back, one night he told me he didn't want me going out. I wanted to go out, so I did when he left the house. That's when Wayne introduced me to Travis, a guy he worked with. Wayne figured if I was introduced to more people, I would have more fun. I had fun. Really had fun. By the end of the night, Travis ended up giving me his phone number and E-mail address. Totally weirded me out since no guy had ever done that.

Ted found out I went out. Got mad at me. We didn't spend New Year's Eve together. That really hurt. I did spend it with Wayne and Travis. I had a total blast. I couldn't remember a time before then where I was really having fun.

Ted and I had a serious talk New Year's day. About our relationship. I told him I had been wondering what it was like to be with other guys. To experience it. He was crushed. We went over options. We decided to give it another try. We tried, but I couldn't. I just wasn't happy. The fun I had with Travis and Wayne, made me think about my life. The prospect that I could actually attract other guys kept making me wonder if Ted was really for me. I was getting tired of the routine our relationship was in. January 4th 1998, I told Ted I couldn't. We agreed to break-up. I told him maybe when we got back to school we could try it again.

I'm going to skip a few things.

Got back to school. Things were rough and hell. Real emotional. Ted gave me an ultimatum, " Either we give it another try or I don't want to ever see you again." It was a harsh thing to say, and it shocked me since I still wanted to be his friend and a part of his life should we break up. Is that bad to want that? I told him to give me a week. I talked to a few people about. I was constantly told to think of myself. To be selfish about all this, but I didn't want to hurt Ted...and I didn't want to go on like I was. I finally decided, I had to.

So, I E-mailed him, telling him to pick a time and place to talk. He got it 2:30 in the morning and called me demanding the answer. I told him. Luckily,he didn't ask why. I had made a list as to why...15 reasons. The next day, I got a box with my stuff that was in his room ( he was an RA in another building for second semester). In it was the graduation present I made him...I hadn't thought he meant taking not seeing me again that far...I couldn't handle it. My depresion got worse, just when it was improving it seemed.

The next month and a half was pure emotional and mental hell. I realized that I had been emotionally and mentally abused throughout our relationship, and it made me sick to think it took me that long to realize it. I thought I was happy after we broke up for good. But I wasn't.

I tried hard being his friend. He totally changed after that. Things were happening. I won't go into those.

Eventually, things settled down. I kept reminding him that I still cared and would be there for him as best as I could. I'm still trying to find myself, though a ton has changed (counseling and whatnot). Ted seems a lot happier. We've become friends now. Get along better. Yet, there are those times, where it still hurts...but...won't it always from time to time? Ted did say he was going to try to be there for me. It's just better this way...we both know that now...

We had been together for nearly four years and four months...My first boyfriend...his first girlfriend...not all things end up too badly...One learns...Life does go on...

I can't remember if I've said that I'm a bit of an on-line addict, which means I probably did say it already. Anyway, I was introduced to the Chat scene by a friend more than a year ago (Winter 1996). Eventually, I ended up going to role-playing rooms. Mostly a free-style place. Well, I was the one to believe that internet relationships were a bunch of bull. Until it happened to me. Well, I'm sure by now if you didn't think me a looney, now you're thinking it.

The place where I first role-played, NetCentral The Red Dragon Inn, crashed during the spring of 1997. So those of us who knew each other kept in touch by E-mail and ended up in a private room at ICS. That's where I met Rob.

Well, I should say that I met Rob as Rob there really. Apparently, I had been playing with some of his characters at RDI. Interestingly enough. Yes, I was still with Ted at the time.

Anyway, as the spring wore on, I started feeling something toward Rob, and he admitted the same about me. Only, we didn't know exactly what it was.

Summer came. Rob and I spoke less and less due to our situations. One day, he told a few of our on-line friends and me that he was going for awhile. Travelling. After one day in June, he was just gone. No word from him for the longest time. Once in awhile, maybe a month or two a part, he'd write me or answer a mass E-mail I had sent out. The whole time he was gone, I worried about him. Not always consciously, but I worried.

Then, during Winter Break, someone asked if I wanted to see Rob. I was totally shocked and excited. So I headed over to IFC Argo Dockside Tavern, and sure enough, there was Rob.

Let me sound like a nut and a sap. When I saw him there, and started talking to him, it was like a hole in myself was finally filled. I don't know how Rob felt. You'll have to ask him.

Anyway, we started talking more and more. Seemingly never got enough of each other. Yes, you could say I loved him. Yes, I loved him. I was happy. That's all that mattered.

I was with happily with Rob, hoping it would last for a very long time.

Like most things in life...especially the good things, it came to an end. This end...a painful and harsh one that I tend to continually hurt over. Things happened...somewhere in these pages it is explained. It's one of those instances where my flirting and my depression got me into some serious trouble, and now...Rob and I don't talk anymore. I wish him the best of luck and much happiness throughout his life.