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Queen Empty spaces - what are we living for Abandoned places - I guess we know the score On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for Another hero, another mindless crime Behind the curtain, in the pantomime Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore The show must go on The show must go on, yeah Inside my heart is breaking My makeup may be flaking But my smile still stays on Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance Another heartache, another failed romance On and on, does anybody know what we are living for? I guess I'm learning, I must be warmer now I'll soon be turning, round the corner now Outside the dawn is breaking But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free The show must go on The show must go on, yeah Inside my heart is breaking My makeup may be flaking but my smile still stays on My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die I can fly - my friends The show must go on The show must go on I'll face it with a grin I'm never giving in On - with the show I'll top the bill, I'll overkill I have to find the will to carry on On with the - On with the show- The show must go on...
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March 26, 1998, Thursday
Amazing what pain can do to open your eyes. Amazing what you learn about yourself when you hurt. Well, maybe, that doesn't apply to you, but it does to me. I fucked up again. Can y'all guess how? I'm not fit...emotionally especially, for a relationship...an intimate relationship. I've got a lot of issues to take care of. What I said to Ted, "You have a lot of issues to fix. If you don't, you're going to fuck up a lot of relationships." Well, that applies to me as well. What are my issues? Jealousy ( raging ) and possessiveness are two to name. Very bad things to have in life. Well, an over abundance of them is bad. Very problematic. Furthermore...I do wallow in self-pity. I am self centered when it comes to me having problems. God...ain't that just fucking horrible. It's bad. To have the one you love think you don't give a shit about him in anyway. I never meant for that to happen; yet, it did. To keep going, I am melodramatic. Overly so...I have to go...more on this later I'm sure.
April 2, 1998, Friday I slip...I slip a lot. What I say. I say some pretty stupid things. Say things at the wrong moment...present them wrong. It's just all wrong and screwed up. I'm too damned flirtacious. It's gotten me into plenty of trouble, and one would figure after screwing up so damned much, one would learn...Not me. God, I'm glad it hasn't gotten me into serious trouble. Not to say that the trouble I've ended up in isn't serious. I'm talking like...sexual assault...along those lines. ~sighs~Of course, I don't go normally flirting to a guy that I don't even know. Only with my guy friends and their friends. Yet, even then...things could happen, couldn't they? I don't know. There's like this understanding between my guy friends and I. Is that strange? Sheesh, look what my flirting has done. I hurt the guy I love so much as he witnessed my flirting and now...we rarely speak to one another, which hurts like nothing I've known before. I've lost several friendships because of it ( people getting the wrong idea, can't handle it, etc.) Think...I've been thinking. I remember Rob saying something that pertained to flirting be a part of my nature and that I shouldn't change. Yet, one does have to change certain things about herself if all she's doing is hurting and causing trouble. Doesn't matter if that is who I am. Those are bad parts of me, and they need changing. Maybe...Yeah, I must be that insecure about myself. Oh,well...need to remedy it. Somehow.
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