Things have changed. Things have moved along. I have changed. Yet, things still linger.
Over a year ago, I began these pages as a way to deal with what was going on in my life. A release of my emotional turmoil. I've gone back and edited things. Read over what I wrote, and thought about things.
Over a year ago, I wrote that people move at different paces when going through the breaking up process. In my mind, from what I had observed, the male gender seemed to move on and get over things faster than the female. However, in the recent months, I'm finding out that's not true. That the female can move on just as well, if not better, than the male. It just depends on so many things...
This time, I'm moving on...adjusting better than him...
You're probably wondering what I'm talking about. On the links page, I said a lot of things had changed. Things have changed. Most for the better, and there are still some that aren't quite improved.
I'm real different from the woman who had begun this series way back in early 1998. Therapy helped. Wayne's introducing me to Travis, Mace, and Brent really helped. Other things helped, but writing, or typing, things out helped. Creating these pages helped me put things into perspective.
Ted and I spent the year apart, occasionally hanging out and whatnot. Of course, there were the ups and downs. Finally in April of 1999, we got back together. Two different people. Things worked differently. We were separate people but also a couple. I looked at it differently than what I had the first time. To those who found out, there wasn't much approval, but they said, "Whatever makes you happy." They also knew that it wouldn't last long, and I think deep down inside somewhere, I knew it wouldn't either.
Then, one day, that day came. As I had told others, "I won't be the one doing the breaking up this time. " I wasn't. Ted said he was having doubts. Didn't know what was going on, but things didn't feel right. He was right. Though, I had given him what he wanted, and had gone through the relationship just as we had wanted. Each of us having a life outside each other. I had met Jen and went out with her. Ted had his roommates. Even though on occasion we all hung out, he was different toward me...Cold and distant. I said okay. If that's what he wanted, okay. I wasn't going to cry and beg for him to stay. That wouldn't be fair. Yeah, it hurt, but what was I to do?
The next day, he called and said it was a mistake to break up with me. All he wanted was a break. Me? I didn't know what to say. I certainly didn't want to go through the whole break-up and get back together gig. I told him. I was confused, and just didn't know what to do.
About two months passed. On occasion, he would confess how much he felt stupid and regretted breaking up with me. All I could say was, "I'm sorry." I had accepted the situation. then, he says one day, "Give me one month, and if there's anything you're unhappy with, you can break up and I won't try to get back together with you again."
A shocker. It made me speechless. My gut reaction was, "No. I can't go through this again. It'll just end up back to square one." He told me to think about it. That's all I could do. It had come at a bad time. I had sort had gotten interested in two guys in the hall...Just a shocker.
I fretted over things. I thought and thought. Each time I had fighting thoughts. We talked about it. The more we talked the more confused I got. The more stuck I felt. Finally, I had decided I wasn't ready to get back into a serious relationship. He said he was done with his partying life; I had barely started mine. I told him that. He thought a guy had some influence over my decision. A guy had nothing to do with it. I was being selfish in this decision. It was a good thing I was selfish.
I knew I hurt Ted. It hurt me that I did. Yet, what was I to do? I was asked if I think I made the right decision. I did.
Unfortunately, Ted's not handling it well. At least from my perspective. Having him get into fits of frustration and rage makes me wonder about things. ABout how he's realyl feeling, and what I should do. And sometimes, I feel bad because I've accepted things. I'm dealing with them better...I'm moving on.
A friend told me that he's in that angry stage. Like he knows I won't take him back, and it hurts, and it makes him angry. Let him be angry.
I'm moving on. I'm dealing. It's weird...